It took a week or so, but she started to turn things around again. She started to progress in the program and made it to the next level. She was working in the Communications Dept. She was writing articles for the school newspaper and doing a lot of drawings for the school. She was in her glory. She was able to do the two things she loved to do most, writing and drawing.
It now came time for our first counseling appointment. I was excited and nervous, as was she. The counselor called to discuss the upcoming meeting. I was going to meet with the principal of the school, then three of the counselors and then my daughter was going to come in with two of her big sister's for support. The process of the meeting was that when my daughter comes in she was going to be able to yell at me and get things out in the open. That was to be the only time that she would be able to yell at me and to say anything she wanted.
The day finally came and as excited as I was to see her, I was very nervous for both her and I. I got there at 1:30, signed in and was brought to a meeting room in the school. I met with the principal of the school and she said my daughter was making great progress. She said the kids had three courses a semester and would receive 1 credit per course. She said that the kids could earn up to 7 credits per year. That was great news to me. Next, my daughter's three counselors came in and spoke about the how the program works. The kids get up and are to be to the house at 8:00 am during the week. They had breakfast and then cleaned their dorms. Next they would have group and private counseling as well as do their jobs throughout the day. School was attended after dinner at night. They went to school from 6:30 to 9:00 pm, Monday thru Friday. I was quite impressed. The kids were kept busy and had a lot of responsibility for themselves as well as the whole campus. They told me about some of the issues they have encountered with my daughter and how they all felt it was good that she got there so young. They all felt she would make great progress, but it was going to take time.
It was now time for my daughter to come in. The counselors told me that she would come in and we were not going to say hello or hug at that time. If we were to say hello that would distract her train of thought and it would be more difficult for her to say what she needed to say. I was also to sit and listen only. This was my daughter's chance to get out all her feelings toward me and what had happened to her. After she was done with her anger and everything she wanted to say to me, if she wanted to we could hug then. I was OK with it all as I did put her in this program. I only want to help her move forward with her life and whatever I need to do for that to happen, I will do.
She came into the room with two of her big sister's and she immediately started to cry. She looked so good. It was so difficult to sit still. I so much wanted to run to her and hold onto her forever. I just sat there, watched and listened. It took some coaching from her counselors to get her mad enough to say what she so much wanted to say. She started to yell, scream and cry. It was tough to understand everything that she was saying, but it was all said and done in about five minutes. She stood up and we ran to each other. I told her I loved her and how proud I was of her. She cried and said how much she loved me. We held onto each other for quite sometime. We finally dried our tears and went back to our seats. We discussed what she had said. She was angry that I sent her away and that I budded into her life. She felt that I had no right to invade her privacy. The counselors asked her if she thought that it was OK to drink and smoke pot anytime she wanted. In her mind it was OK as all her friends were doing it. Some of her friends drank and smoked with their parents and she didn't see a problem with it. Why couldn't I be more like them.
We finished up our meeting and I was able to stay for the rest of the afternoon and visit with my daughter. My daughter, one of her big sister's and I sat outside and talked for a couple of hours. It was wonderful to hear her laugh and see her smile. We had a great afternoon together. Time came to say goodbye and it seemed like we hugged forever. I told her I loved her and how proud I was of her.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
# 6 How much do you really know?
I have to say that when I walked out of the school that day, I felt relieved. I was relieved as my daughter was finally safe. I no longer sat in my car at school wondering whether today was the day she decided that she could do things her way. I could go to bed knowing she wasn't out somewhere doing something that could potentially hurt or kill her. My life didn't get any easier, in fact it got more difficult. I now had a new set of worries and struggles in my life.
The first thing my daughter was to do at her new school was to write a guilt letter. This letter had to tell us everything she did that we did not know about. The letter came about a week and a half into the program. The letter was nine pages long. I had been reading her IM and emails on a daily basis. She didn't have texting and a lot of the time she didn't have her phone as she was grounded. There couldn't be much that I didn't know about. I was quite surprised; there was a lot I didn't know. I felt I was a diligent parent and kept tabs of what was going on. I knew there were things that I found out about after they happened, but I really felt I knew the worst of everything. I am here to tell you that no matter how much you know, double it and that is how much you do not know. Even if your child does not have texting, a cell phone or a computer, all his/her friends do and are very willing to let your child use it.
After reading through the letter, I wrote back and asked some questions. Another week passed before I received my response along with more guilt. Although this process was tough for both her and I, it was good to finally know what was really going on in my daughter's life. It made me realize that I made the right decision. I accepted the guilt letters and now we could begin the process of healing and moving forward.
A couple weeks later I received my first call from her. It was so good to hear her voice. There was a lot of crying from both of my daughters, but it was a really good call. She apologized to us and told us how much she loved us. It was the best feeling in the world. I honestly never thought I would hear her say 'I love you Mom' and really mean it. The work had begun and it seemed that it was all working well. The next week we received another call and that also went fairly well. She seemed to be adjusting and she liked the other girls in the program. I thought this is just what she needed and she will excel very quickly. It only lasted a couple of weeks. She started to act out and disobey the rules of the school. As a result we didn't get a call the next week. Her counselor called within a couple days to let us know that the phone call home was a privilege and had to be earned. She said my daughter was being disrespectful to others in the program as well as the counselors. She said that this type of behavior is expected and just to wait it out as things will turn around. I felt this was the beginning of a long roller coaster ride.
The first thing my daughter was to do at her new school was to write a guilt letter. This letter had to tell us everything she did that we did not know about. The letter came about a week and a half into the program. The letter was nine pages long. I had been reading her IM and emails on a daily basis. She didn't have texting and a lot of the time she didn't have her phone as she was grounded. There couldn't be much that I didn't know about. I was quite surprised; there was a lot I didn't know. I felt I was a diligent parent and kept tabs of what was going on. I knew there were things that I found out about after they happened, but I really felt I knew the worst of everything. I am here to tell you that no matter how much you know, double it and that is how much you do not know. Even if your child does not have texting, a cell phone or a computer, all his/her friends do and are very willing to let your child use it.
After reading through the letter, I wrote back and asked some questions. Another week passed before I received my response along with more guilt. Although this process was tough for both her and I, it was good to finally know what was really going on in my daughter's life. It made me realize that I made the right decision. I accepted the guilt letters and now we could begin the process of healing and moving forward.
A couple weeks later I received my first call from her. It was so good to hear her voice. There was a lot of crying from both of my daughters, but it was a really good call. She apologized to us and told us how much she loved us. It was the best feeling in the world. I honestly never thought I would hear her say 'I love you Mom' and really mean it. The work had begun and it seemed that it was all working well. The next week we received another call and that also went fairly well. She seemed to be adjusting and she liked the other girls in the program. I thought this is just what she needed and she will excel very quickly. It only lasted a couple of weeks. She started to act out and disobey the rules of the school. As a result we didn't get a call the next week. Her counselor called within a couple days to let us know that the phone call home was a privilege and had to be earned. She said my daughter was being disrespectful to others in the program as well as the counselors. She said that this type of behavior is expected and just to wait it out as things will turn around. I felt this was the beginning of a long roller coaster ride.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
# 5 The Decision
I know what I have to do, but it is extremely scary. I don't know anyone else who has put their child into a residential program. How do I really know that it works. Yes, you read the testimonials of students and parents, but are these real people that have done what I am looking to do. As I have said, I have a multitude of support from family and friends, but none of them have done what I am trying to decide to do. She is only 14. How could she be that bad that she needed structured help? I kept trying to convince myself that I was over reacting. It was me that couldn't handle her correctly. I just need to be more forceful and stand my ground. She will see the light and realize the things she is doing could ruin her life forever. I knew in my heart that the latter was not true. She is not going to see the light until it is too late. It was up to me to make that decision for her, but am I strong enough to make that kind of decision.
We struggle and fight over the next couple of weeks. She usually stays after on Mondays to work out with her friend as my other daughter has an activity that ends at 4:00. It allows me to head over once to get them both instead of twice. I believe it was the second Monday of March. My daughter had gotten grounded again that past Thursday. I went to pick her up right after school on Monday. She hadn't asked to stay after and she was grounded, she didn't have the privilege to stay after if she wanted to. She called as soon as school was over and said she was going to stay after and go to a friend's house until 4:00. I said that I was in the parking lot already and you are coming home now. She argued with me on the phone for a little bit and then came outside to argue with me. I didn't raise my voice, I was just adamant that she was coming home with me. She screamed and called me every name in the book, but finally got in the car. She continued to beg, scream and argue about not being allowed to just have two hours, that is all that she was asking. I told her, I did not want her smoking pot and that was the only reason she was staying after school. She said that she was having a bad day and just wanted to go to a friends' house for a while. Why couldn't i just let her, she had been good all weekend. I said that she was still grounded, just because she was good all weekend, didn't mean that the grounding was over. She proceeded to screech in my ear. I slammed on the breaks and told her "Enough". She screamed one more time and then the rest of the ride was quiet. When we got home, she said she was leaving. She headed for the door and I got right in her face and said, no you're not. We stood there for a few minutes and every time she tried to go around me, I got right in her way. She finally screamed that she hated me and pounded her way upstairs. I knew she hated me, that was the one thing she said all the time.
My new concern was, when was she really going to leave. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. I am now afraid to go to sleep at night. Will she be there when I wake up in the morning? I have to make a decision and make it fast. I start talking more and more to family and friends. I talk to my Mom, my rock. I have confided just about everything that has gone on in my home for the last few months to her. I felt bad as she was a distance away and many times we got off the phone and I knew she was ready to cry. I had told my brother's, sister and in laws what was happening along the way, but not to the extent of what I have written here. I finally told all of them everything and asked for their help and support. They all gave their blessing. I chose the program and proceeded to fill out the application. I faxed in the application on a Friday. I had to submit a synopsis of why I felt she needed their help as well as school administration references. I was told that it would be anywhere from a couple of days to a week, before I knew if she were going to be accepted into the program. Now I wait.
The whole self doubt and self sabotage began to rear its' ugly head. Did I make the right decision? Does she really need their help? What if they don't think they can help her? What if the references say that it is all in my head and she is just a kid being a kid? What do I do if they don't accept her into the program? What am I going to do???
The next Wednesday, I get the call. She has been accepted. I was relieved and now anxious. "When will she be starting", I ask. "Have her here tomorrow at 4:00". ?Really... tomorrow?" They told me I could either use a transport service or bring her in myself. I wanted to bring her myself. I couldn't bear the thought of someone else taking her. I had to see this through to the end.
Now a new set of worries set in. How am I going to get her packed without her knowing? Even worse, how am I going to get her there? When and how am I going to tell her what is going on? I decided not to say anything. She was going to school in the morning like she always had and I will pick her up early and tell her she has an appointment. That will work... right? It did work. I brought her to school then came home and packed her things. I went to school to dismiss her and she was at lunch. Luckily for me, this was the week she decided to stay at school from now on. She was failing the end of the day classes and she didn't want to have to go to Summer School. Of course, I had to go into the Cafeteria to find her. I began to worry that maybe, she couldn't do it and she wasn't there. She was there and asked what was going on. I just told her she was being dismissed and I would see her in the car. She got her things and met me out at the car. She asked again, what was going on and I told her that she had an appointment. She said OK, I am just glad to be out of school for the rest of the day. We had a long quiet ride.
We struggle and fight over the next couple of weeks. She usually stays after on Mondays to work out with her friend as my other daughter has an activity that ends at 4:00. It allows me to head over once to get them both instead of twice. I believe it was the second Monday of March. My daughter had gotten grounded again that past Thursday. I went to pick her up right after school on Monday. She hadn't asked to stay after and she was grounded, she didn't have the privilege to stay after if she wanted to. She called as soon as school was over and said she was going to stay after and go to a friend's house until 4:00. I said that I was in the parking lot already and you are coming home now. She argued with me on the phone for a little bit and then came outside to argue with me. I didn't raise my voice, I was just adamant that she was coming home with me. She screamed and called me every name in the book, but finally got in the car. She continued to beg, scream and argue about not being allowed to just have two hours, that is all that she was asking. I told her, I did not want her smoking pot and that was the only reason she was staying after school. She said that she was having a bad day and just wanted to go to a friends' house for a while. Why couldn't i just let her, she had been good all weekend. I said that she was still grounded, just because she was good all weekend, didn't mean that the grounding was over. She proceeded to screech in my ear. I slammed on the breaks and told her "Enough". She screamed one more time and then the rest of the ride was quiet. When we got home, she said she was leaving. She headed for the door and I got right in her face and said, no you're not. We stood there for a few minutes and every time she tried to go around me, I got right in her way. She finally screamed that she hated me and pounded her way upstairs. I knew she hated me, that was the one thing she said all the time.
My new concern was, when was she really going to leave. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know when. I am now afraid to go to sleep at night. Will she be there when I wake up in the morning? I have to make a decision and make it fast. I start talking more and more to family and friends. I talk to my Mom, my rock. I have confided just about everything that has gone on in my home for the last few months to her. I felt bad as she was a distance away and many times we got off the phone and I knew she was ready to cry. I had told my brother's, sister and in laws what was happening along the way, but not to the extent of what I have written here. I finally told all of them everything and asked for their help and support. They all gave their blessing. I chose the program and proceeded to fill out the application. I faxed in the application on a Friday. I had to submit a synopsis of why I felt she needed their help as well as school administration references. I was told that it would be anywhere from a couple of days to a week, before I knew if she were going to be accepted into the program. Now I wait.
The whole self doubt and self sabotage began to rear its' ugly head. Did I make the right decision? Does she really need their help? What if they don't think they can help her? What if the references say that it is all in my head and she is just a kid being a kid? What do I do if they don't accept her into the program? What am I going to do???
The next Wednesday, I get the call. She has been accepted. I was relieved and now anxious. "When will she be starting", I ask. "Have her here tomorrow at 4:00". ?Really... tomorrow?" They told me I could either use a transport service or bring her in myself. I wanted to bring her myself. I couldn't bear the thought of someone else taking her. I had to see this through to the end.
Now a new set of worries set in. How am I going to get her packed without her knowing? Even worse, how am I going to get her there? When and how am I going to tell her what is going on? I decided not to say anything. She was going to school in the morning like she always had and I will pick her up early and tell her she has an appointment. That will work... right? It did work. I brought her to school then came home and packed her things. I went to school to dismiss her and she was at lunch. Luckily for me, this was the week she decided to stay at school from now on. She was failing the end of the day classes and she didn't want to have to go to Summer School. Of course, I had to go into the Cafeteria to find her. I began to worry that maybe, she couldn't do it and she wasn't there. She was there and asked what was going on. I just told her she was being dismissed and I would see her in the car. She got her things and met me out at the car. She asked again, what was going on and I told her that she had an appointment. She said OK, I am just glad to be out of school for the rest of the day. We had a long quiet ride.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
# 4 February Vacation
February vacation came and I did allow my daughter to go to a friend's house for a couple of days. I felt very comfortable with where she was going and we needed a break from each other. She stayed there two days and then her friend came to our house for a couple of days. They did go back to her house at the end of the week. On Friday, I went into town to upgrade our cell phone family plan. My daughter conveniently left her cell phone at home and I took it with me to trade it in for a new one. She locked her phone so I couldn't transfer her contact information into her new phone. I called her friend's house and asked to talk to my daughter, she hesitated and said my daughter was in the shower. I said "that is fine, just yell through the door and ask her what her unlock code is for her phone." She asked if she could call me back. I waited ten minutes and I called back. In the meantime, the tech dept was able to unlock the phone and transfer her pictures and contacts. I get my daughter's friend on the phone again and asked where my daughter was. The friend tried to tell me she was in the shower still. I got irritated and said, "Is she really there?" Her friend hesitated and I said, "Where is she, is she with her boyfriend?" The friend said well... I said "Thank you, I will take it from here". I still had the boyfriend's number and I called him. I asked where my daughter was. He tried to tell me he was at a friend's house and my daughter was at his house. I told him, go get her and get her back to her friend's house. "Tell my daughter I will be there in an hour to pick her up". I got to the friends' house and her mother was home. She was telling her daughter how disappointed she was that her daughter tried to lie to me. Her daughter was subsequently grounded as well as my daughter. Our ride home was very loud and she demanded that she was not going to be grounded again. She said, "I only went to my boyfriend's house for a few minutes, he wanted to talk to me". I said, "he could have talked to you in your friend's yard". "Mom you don't understand, I was only going to be gone for a few minutes". I told her she should have called and asked me first. She said, "I will the next time". I said, "there won't be a next time". Things were tense for the rest of the day.
Saturday came and all was quiet. The morning had come and gone and about mid-afternoon I caught my daughter putting the house phone back in its' holder. I told her she was not allowed to use the phone, she needed to ask me. She said, she needed to call her friend as they had a project due the beginning of the week and she wanted to get some information about it. She then informed me that she needed to use the computer to do some research. I sat for a while and watched what she was doing and then decided to go work on a project upstairs. I took the house phone with me. I knew she was up to something and making plans. I decided the only way I was going to have any chance of finding out what was going on was if she used IM and talked to her friends. Unfortunately for me, she had made the plans when she was on the phone earlier and I did not find out anything in particular was happening that night. About 9:00 pm, my younger daughter was at the computer and said Mom I heard something outside. We looked outside and didn't see anything. I figured the wind knocked something over as the noise did not bother the dog. The dog hears everything. My older daughter came downstairs a few moments later and said she was heading to bed soon. We said goodnight. I stayed up until 11:00 to make sure my daughter didn't try anything. I went to bed and laid awake for an hour waiting for my daughter to sneak out. I went out into the hall a few times to check. Her door was closed and the lights were off. The next morning I got up and went up to my friend's house to take our daily walk. I got home around 9:30. My younger daughter met me in the garage and proceeded to tell me that my older daughter had just gotten home about 10 minutes earlier. I asked her if she was sure. She said she was up in bed and heard a loud truck and it sounded like it was in the yard. She got up and looked out her window. She saw her sister get out of the truck and wave goodbye. She said her sister came in the house, told her not to tell Mom and went out onto the front porch to have a cigarette.
The noise my younger daughter heard the night before was my older daughter dropping something out the window. She was making sure we either didn't hear it or that it was not loud enough to make a fuss over. When she said goodnight, she was getting ready to leave for the night. She snuck out her window onto the garage roof and then jumped. My daughter was determined that she was not going to miss a party and she didn't.
Saturday came and all was quiet. The morning had come and gone and about mid-afternoon I caught my daughter putting the house phone back in its' holder. I told her she was not allowed to use the phone, she needed to ask me. She said, she needed to call her friend as they had a project due the beginning of the week and she wanted to get some information about it. She then informed me that she needed to use the computer to do some research. I sat for a while and watched what she was doing and then decided to go work on a project upstairs. I took the house phone with me. I knew she was up to something and making plans. I decided the only way I was going to have any chance of finding out what was going on was if she used IM and talked to her friends. Unfortunately for me, she had made the plans when she was on the phone earlier and I did not find out anything in particular was happening that night. About 9:00 pm, my younger daughter was at the computer and said Mom I heard something outside. We looked outside and didn't see anything. I figured the wind knocked something over as the noise did not bother the dog. The dog hears everything. My older daughter came downstairs a few moments later and said she was heading to bed soon. We said goodnight. I stayed up until 11:00 to make sure my daughter didn't try anything. I went to bed and laid awake for an hour waiting for my daughter to sneak out. I went out into the hall a few times to check. Her door was closed and the lights were off. The next morning I got up and went up to my friend's house to take our daily walk. I got home around 9:30. My younger daughter met me in the garage and proceeded to tell me that my older daughter had just gotten home about 10 minutes earlier. I asked her if she was sure. She said she was up in bed and heard a loud truck and it sounded like it was in the yard. She got up and looked out her window. She saw her sister get out of the truck and wave goodbye. She said her sister came in the house, told her not to tell Mom and went out onto the front porch to have a cigarette.
The noise my younger daughter heard the night before was my older daughter dropping something out the window. She was making sure we either didn't hear it or that it was not loud enough to make a fuss over. When she said goodnight, she was getting ready to leave for the night. She snuck out her window onto the garage roof and then jumped. My daughter was determined that she was not going to miss a party and she didn't.
Monday, October 4, 2010
# 3 Looking for help
Things really start to get tense in our home. She is only nice when she wants something. We start to have incredible fights more often and they are more intense. She keeps trying to get me to understand that she really likes to smoke pot and to just let her, other parents let their kids. I really try to get her to understand I will never allow her to just smoke and do as she pleases. She starts to perfect her lying. She could look me straight in the eye and tell me a lie and believe what she is telling me is the truth. She had put a hole in the lining of one of her large pocketbooks and was putting her pot, pipes and lighters in that lining. I found the hole in the pocketbook one day and only found a lighter. I left it there and started to check it on a daily basis. I finally found her stash in it one day. I confronted her with it and she looked me straight in the eye and said it had been there for more than a month, I must have missed it. I said no, I have been checking this spot for more than a week. It wasn't there a week ago. She told me I must have missed it before, it has been there since November and she forgot that it was even there. She pleaded with me and got angry with me, as I wouldn't believe her. My younger daughter ran out of the house with fear that fists were going to fly and someone was going to get hurt. After I was done arguing with my older daughter, I found my younger daughter and comforted her. She grew more afraid each day. She told me how she would lay in bed at night awake wondering if her sister was going to come in and hurt her. Her sister would confide in her and when I found things out on my own, she blamed it on her younger sister.
The school has a parents' portal and we can see our children's schedule, current grades, any missing assignments and their attendance record. We can also email the teachers. I see she is missing a couple of classes every other day or so. I decide to write an email to the teachers' who have marked my daughter absent from their class. I find out she is truly missing from the class and she has work to make up. One day, I see that she has an excused absence. I call the school and talk to the attendance office. I told the woman, "I saw on my portal that my daughter had an excused absence" and she said "yes, I will get the note". She gets it and reads it to me. I say, "that is a very good note, but I didn't write it". My daughter gets an in school suspension. She tells me I am ruining her life and to lay off. Soon she is missing the end of the day, everyday. I call the school every couple of weeks to let them know that the classes missed are unexcused. I know she is skipping classes to go get high. I transport my children to school on a daily basis and when I pick her up she smells like pot. We argue and I push her buttons, but I try not to push too hard. I need to find a way to save her before I lose her forever. The race is on. My fear was that one of two things was going to happen to her if I couldn't get her the proper help. She was either going to end up on a street corner one day, selling her body for drugs or she was going to end up dead. I couldn't stand by and watch it happen or hope that it wouldn't happen to my daughter.
As things got more tense, I started to wonder on a daily basis if she was going to come out of the school and come home with me. Quite a few times, I got out of the car and started to walk towards the entrance and she would come out the door. I thought to myself, whew, she decided to come home with me today. I had no idea what I would do if she didn't walk out the door. I knew full well if she wasn't coming home with me that she was long gone. She would have had two hours to decide where she was going to go and I only had a couple of first names to go on. She had started to ruin some of the friendships she had and the people she talked to on IM, sometimes I only had their screen name. I kept a list of the screen names and when a would find out the name of the person I would write it down. But then again, I mostly only had first names and most of the time I did not know what grade they were in. Sometimes I was even unsure of what town these kids lived in and what school they went to. The problem with Myspace and Facebook our kids have friends and then they hook up with their friends' friends and so on. My daughter knew kids in at least a 50 mile radius. If she didn't want to be found, there was a good chance that I would not find her. I had also been told, if she were picked up for running away, she would only be brought back home and then it was up to me to keep her there.
I decided to talk to my daughter's counselor and ask if she knew of any programs. She gave me the name of two in my area. Both were an hour away in either direction and the residential part of the program was only six months. At the end of the six months there would be daily outpatient counseling. I knew six months was not enough time to get my daughter to realize she had taken the wrong path and then the idea of trying to get her to go to therapy, an hour away, on a daily basis, well you know the answer to that. My good friend and walking partner once again, listed off a couple of names of school's she had heard of and I decided to start checking them out. I went onto the Internet and looked in my area and then out of state. I read everything from the course curriculum to testimonials from parents and kids. I found one I liked and made an appointment. I went to the school and was a little surprised at how it looked more like a camp than a school. I needed to remember that this was a whole program and her schooling was only a small part of the whole layout. I talked to counselors, the nurse, admissions and then was brought through all the buildings by the most senior student. She explained what all the buildings were and showed me everywhere my daughter would be. She was extremely nice and very informative. She had said that she was so out of control two years ago that her parents had her transported to the school. She was now the student coordinator and due to graduate in a few months. I walked out of there quite impressed, but still very unsure of whether this is what my daughter really needed. This program was a 2 1/2 year residential program. They sent me home with an application and all the information that I could possibly need. They told me to call anytime with any questions. This was the beginning of February and I was faced with a very difficult decision.
The school has a parents' portal and we can see our children's schedule, current grades, any missing assignments and their attendance record. We can also email the teachers. I see she is missing a couple of classes every other day or so. I decide to write an email to the teachers' who have marked my daughter absent from their class. I find out she is truly missing from the class and she has work to make up. One day, I see that she has an excused absence. I call the school and talk to the attendance office. I told the woman, "I saw on my portal that my daughter had an excused absence" and she said "yes, I will get the note". She gets it and reads it to me. I say, "that is a very good note, but I didn't write it". My daughter gets an in school suspension. She tells me I am ruining her life and to lay off. Soon she is missing the end of the day, everyday. I call the school every couple of weeks to let them know that the classes missed are unexcused. I know she is skipping classes to go get high. I transport my children to school on a daily basis and when I pick her up she smells like pot. We argue and I push her buttons, but I try not to push too hard. I need to find a way to save her before I lose her forever. The race is on. My fear was that one of two things was going to happen to her if I couldn't get her the proper help. She was either going to end up on a street corner one day, selling her body for drugs or she was going to end up dead. I couldn't stand by and watch it happen or hope that it wouldn't happen to my daughter.
As things got more tense, I started to wonder on a daily basis if she was going to come out of the school and come home with me. Quite a few times, I got out of the car and started to walk towards the entrance and she would come out the door. I thought to myself, whew, she decided to come home with me today. I had no idea what I would do if she didn't walk out the door. I knew full well if she wasn't coming home with me that she was long gone. She would have had two hours to decide where she was going to go and I only had a couple of first names to go on. She had started to ruin some of the friendships she had and the people she talked to on IM, sometimes I only had their screen name. I kept a list of the screen names and when a would find out the name of the person I would write it down. But then again, I mostly only had first names and most of the time I did not know what grade they were in. Sometimes I was even unsure of what town these kids lived in and what school they went to. The problem with Myspace and Facebook our kids have friends and then they hook up with their friends' friends and so on. My daughter knew kids in at least a 50 mile radius. If she didn't want to be found, there was a good chance that I would not find her. I had also been told, if she were picked up for running away, she would only be brought back home and then it was up to me to keep her there.
I decided to talk to my daughter's counselor and ask if she knew of any programs. She gave me the name of two in my area. Both were an hour away in either direction and the residential part of the program was only six months. At the end of the six months there would be daily outpatient counseling. I knew six months was not enough time to get my daughter to realize she had taken the wrong path and then the idea of trying to get her to go to therapy, an hour away, on a daily basis, well you know the answer to that. My good friend and walking partner once again, listed off a couple of names of school's she had heard of and I decided to start checking them out. I went onto the Internet and looked in my area and then out of state. I read everything from the course curriculum to testimonials from parents and kids. I found one I liked and made an appointment. I went to the school and was a little surprised at how it looked more like a camp than a school. I needed to remember that this was a whole program and her schooling was only a small part of the whole layout. I talked to counselors, the nurse, admissions and then was brought through all the buildings by the most senior student. She explained what all the buildings were and showed me everywhere my daughter would be. She was extremely nice and very informative. She had said that she was so out of control two years ago that her parents had her transported to the school. She was now the student coordinator and due to graduate in a few months. I walked out of there quite impressed, but still very unsure of whether this is what my daughter really needed. This program was a 2 1/2 year residential program. They sent me home with an application and all the information that I could possibly need. They told me to call anytime with any questions. This was the beginning of February and I was faced with a very difficult decision.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
# 2 Basketball Game
Before I continue where I left off last night, I want you to know even though it seems like I am all alone in this walk, I am not. I have such an incredible support system and if you are going to take this journey, you need to be able to confide in family and friends. I understand that you may feel embarrassed to let other people know things are falling apart around you, but you need to be able to lean on other people. If you do not feel you have those type of people in your life, lean on me and I will do what ever I can to help you take the steps you need to take. I do not have any type of college degree and I do not have tons of money, I am just a Mom who was extremely scared of the path her child decided to take.
About a month before she got suspended, I started looking into counselors. I thought if she could just talk to someone, maybe she won't feel the need to do the things she is doing. My walking partner said the school had a substance abuse counselor and why don't I look into it. I spoke to the counselor and she said that all she could do was invite my daughter to meet with her. It was up to my daughter whether she wanted to talk to her or not. My daughter called and left me a voicemail stating she was not going to talk to this counselor and I couldn't force her to. She was right, I couldn't force her. I did tell her that she could either see the counselor at school or she could see a counselor that I chose. We did go to a meeting with the counselor that I chose and the next day the school's counselor tried again. My daughter went this time and ultimately chose to see the school's counselor on a weekly basis. Even though the counselor could not tell me what they discussed on a weekly basis, I would call the counselor if we had a falling out and just let her know what had happened and would she please make sure she saw my daughter that week. I wanted my daughter to be able to confide in someone other than friends. She needed someone that could give her some type of direction and not just tell her that they wouldn't put up with her parents if it were them. When she did get suspended a Social Worker was assigned by the school to my daughter. The Social Worker was only assigned to my daughter for six weeks. At the end of six weeks I got a call asking if she could still see my daughter on a weekly basis. I said yes and she sent me the forms for me to sign. I figured any positive adult interaction with my daughter could only help. I was willing to take all the help I could get.
The second Tuesday in January my daughter asked if she could stay after school that day. She wanted to work out with her friend and then there were two basketball games they wanted to attend. She had been behaving, nothing horrible was in her instant messages and her grades were good, I will give her a chance to prove herself. That night was the first time I realized I may never see my daughter again. I was to pick her up at 8:00 pm. I got there at 7:30 knowing that something was up. I just didn't have a good feeling. I called my daughter's cell phone. After five rings it went to her voicemail. I left her a message to tell her I was there and to call me. I waited five minutes and went into the school. I walked the length of the gym looking up into the bleachers to see my daughter. She wasn't there. I called her three more times and left one voicemail to say she better be calling me right back. The next call I made to her phone went directly to voicemail. She had shut it off. I asked a few people if they had seen my daughter and no one had. Her friend was not there and her number was back at home. My phone was on its' last bar, so I decided to head home and deal with things there. A few weeks earlier I had found some numbers of my daughter's friends and boyfriend in her pocketbook. I had taken the slip of paper in case I needed it sometime. I needed it tonight. I finally reached her friend about 9:00 pm. She said my daughter's boyfriend was bringing her home and she would call him for me. I waited 20 minutes and called him myself. He said he didn't know where we lived and my daughter couldn't tell him. I met him at the end of our road. She was in the front seat with eyes wide open and unable to talk. He told me she had gone off with other friends and got drunk. He said, he yelled at all of them. I didn't care, my daughter was home, she was alive and that is all that mattered to me. One of the boys tried to get her out of the car to put her in my car and he just about dropped her on her head. It took all three of us to get her in my car. I got home and tried to get her to walk and I did drop her on the ground. I managed to get her to the kitchen floor and she laid there for the next four hours. I then managed to get her upstairs to her room and in bed. Her teeth were chattering and she was still wide eyed, but she seemed to understand what I was saying and that was a good sign. I was very lucky that night as I now know she could have died from alcohol poisoning. I should have driven home and got my other daughter and went straight to the hospital.
About a month before she got suspended, I started looking into counselors. I thought if she could just talk to someone, maybe she won't feel the need to do the things she is doing. My walking partner said the school had a substance abuse counselor and why don't I look into it. I spoke to the counselor and she said that all she could do was invite my daughter to meet with her. It was up to my daughter whether she wanted to talk to her or not. My daughter called and left me a voicemail stating she was not going to talk to this counselor and I couldn't force her to. She was right, I couldn't force her. I did tell her that she could either see the counselor at school or she could see a counselor that I chose. We did go to a meeting with the counselor that I chose and the next day the school's counselor tried again. My daughter went this time and ultimately chose to see the school's counselor on a weekly basis. Even though the counselor could not tell me what they discussed on a weekly basis, I would call the counselor if we had a falling out and just let her know what had happened and would she please make sure she saw my daughter that week. I wanted my daughter to be able to confide in someone other than friends. She needed someone that could give her some type of direction and not just tell her that they wouldn't put up with her parents if it were them. When she did get suspended a Social Worker was assigned by the school to my daughter. The Social Worker was only assigned to my daughter for six weeks. At the end of six weeks I got a call asking if she could still see my daughter on a weekly basis. I said yes and she sent me the forms for me to sign. I figured any positive adult interaction with my daughter could only help. I was willing to take all the help I could get.
The second Tuesday in January my daughter asked if she could stay after school that day. She wanted to work out with her friend and then there were two basketball games they wanted to attend. She had been behaving, nothing horrible was in her instant messages and her grades were good, I will give her a chance to prove herself. That night was the first time I realized I may never see my daughter again. I was to pick her up at 8:00 pm. I got there at 7:30 knowing that something was up. I just didn't have a good feeling. I called my daughter's cell phone. After five rings it went to her voicemail. I left her a message to tell her I was there and to call me. I waited five minutes and went into the school. I walked the length of the gym looking up into the bleachers to see my daughter. She wasn't there. I called her three more times and left one voicemail to say she better be calling me right back. The next call I made to her phone went directly to voicemail. She had shut it off. I asked a few people if they had seen my daughter and no one had. Her friend was not there and her number was back at home. My phone was on its' last bar, so I decided to head home and deal with things there. A few weeks earlier I had found some numbers of my daughter's friends and boyfriend in her pocketbook. I had taken the slip of paper in case I needed it sometime. I needed it tonight. I finally reached her friend about 9:00 pm. She said my daughter's boyfriend was bringing her home and she would call him for me. I waited 20 minutes and called him myself. He said he didn't know where we lived and my daughter couldn't tell him. I met him at the end of our road. She was in the front seat with eyes wide open and unable to talk. He told me she had gone off with other friends and got drunk. He said, he yelled at all of them. I didn't care, my daughter was home, she was alive and that is all that mattered to me. One of the boys tried to get her out of the car to put her in my car and he just about dropped her on her head. It took all three of us to get her in my car. I got home and tried to get her to walk and I did drop her on the ground. I managed to get her to the kitchen floor and she laid there for the next four hours. I then managed to get her upstairs to her room and in bed. Her teeth were chattering and she was still wide eyed, but she seemed to understand what I was saying and that was a good sign. I was very lucky that night as I now know she could have died from alcohol poisoning. I should have driven home and got my other daughter and went straight to the hospital.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
In the Beginning
Welcome to A Parent's Challenge. My hope is to help other parents help their children. I was losing my daughter faster than I thought possible and this is our journey.
I always knew my daughter was going to give me a run for my money, I just didn't realize what it actually meant and where it was going to take us. At the age of 13, I knew I needed to monitor her computer use and text messaging. I purchased a program called Spector Pro to monitor her computer use and I read her text messages while she was in the shower. She was misusing the text messaging and we took it away. I found out through her instant messages that she had started smoking Marijuana in May 2009. She started to make plans away from home. Whenever we did go away as a family, she wanted a friend to come with us. I knew she was getting older and her friends were becoming more and more important, but she started pulling further and further apart from us.
Over the Summer she started to get real sneaky. She and a friend snuck out of our house shortly after we went to bed one night and came home at 3:00 in the morning. I evidently heard something and woke up. On my way downstairs, I could see her light on under her door. She came down shortly thereafter saying they had woken up hungry. I went back upstairs, checked her room and found two pair of pants on the floor soaking wet, it was raining that night. The next morning we confronted her and subsequently grounded her for a month.
She got involved in Summer Soccer in another town and made some new friends. She really enjoyed it. I thought, maybe this is what she needs. Keep her involved in sports and she won't have time for anything else. It pretty much worked, so I thought. I had a hard time telling when she was high. I mostly knew she was high when she came home and ate me out of house and home. She became very good at lying and manipulating a situation. She started to get more agitated with my other daughter and I. We were worthless to her and she made sure we knew it. I would ground her for her attitude, but it did not matter.
School started in September and she was a Freshman. She started her Freshman year in a new school in the neighboring town. I thought this is good, we will get her away from some of her old druggie friends and she will have a new start. She had made new friends over the Summer during soccer within this school district and she was trying out for the school's soccer team. Things were looking up. She was excited for a new environment, new school and new friends. She seemed to like her new surroundings and fit in pretty good. I got a call in November from the school saying that she had bought Marijuana in school and I needed to come in as soon as possible. She was suspended for five days and grounded for a month or more. On the way home in the car she told me that she liked smoking pot and I couldn't stop her from smoking it. When she went back to school, I started checking her room as often as I could. We started having more and more arguments. She would get right in my face and scream at me. She kept telling me that she could do what she wanted. She would say to me, "Why don't you just give up, I am going to smoke. I like it and there is nothing you can do about it". She would say, "It is only pot, what is the big deal/" "All my friends smoke and most of them smoke with their parents, why can't you just accept it".
It is getting late, so I will continue this tomorrow.
I always knew my daughter was going to give me a run for my money, I just didn't realize what it actually meant and where it was going to take us. At the age of 13, I knew I needed to monitor her computer use and text messaging. I purchased a program called Spector Pro to monitor her computer use and I read her text messages while she was in the shower. She was misusing the text messaging and we took it away. I found out through her instant messages that she had started smoking Marijuana in May 2009. She started to make plans away from home. Whenever we did go away as a family, she wanted a friend to come with us. I knew she was getting older and her friends were becoming more and more important, but she started pulling further and further apart from us.
Over the Summer she started to get real sneaky. She and a friend snuck out of our house shortly after we went to bed one night and came home at 3:00 in the morning. I evidently heard something and woke up. On my way downstairs, I could see her light on under her door. She came down shortly thereafter saying they had woken up hungry. I went back upstairs, checked her room and found two pair of pants on the floor soaking wet, it was raining that night. The next morning we confronted her and subsequently grounded her for a month.
She got involved in Summer Soccer in another town and made some new friends. She really enjoyed it. I thought, maybe this is what she needs. Keep her involved in sports and she won't have time for anything else. It pretty much worked, so I thought. I had a hard time telling when she was high. I mostly knew she was high when she came home and ate me out of house and home. She became very good at lying and manipulating a situation. She started to get more agitated with my other daughter and I. We were worthless to her and she made sure we knew it. I would ground her for her attitude, but it did not matter.
School started in September and she was a Freshman. She started her Freshman year in a new school in the neighboring town. I thought this is good, we will get her away from some of her old druggie friends and she will have a new start. She had made new friends over the Summer during soccer within this school district and she was trying out for the school's soccer team. Things were looking up. She was excited for a new environment, new school and new friends. She seemed to like her new surroundings and fit in pretty good. I got a call in November from the school saying that she had bought Marijuana in school and I needed to come in as soon as possible. She was suspended for five days and grounded for a month or more. On the way home in the car she told me that she liked smoking pot and I couldn't stop her from smoking it. When she went back to school, I started checking her room as often as I could. We started having more and more arguments. She would get right in my face and scream at me. She kept telling me that she could do what she wanted. She would say to me, "Why don't you just give up, I am going to smoke. I like it and there is nothing you can do about it". She would say, "It is only pot, what is the big deal/" "All my friends smoke and most of them smoke with their parents, why can't you just accept it".
It is getting late, so I will continue this tomorrow.
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