We arrived at 8:00 AM Sunday morning and met with the staff to go over the days events. We found our daughter and went to our first team building exercise. This exercise was a lot of fun. One family member was blindfolded and the rest of the family had to guide that person through an obstacle course. The only thing they could do was talk you through it. We all tried it and had a lot of laughs. We then walked around campus and just spent some quality time as a family. Counseling was next and this time we had separate sessions with our daughter. Today's session went much better. We actually talked about her making progress and getting herself to the third level. It was wonderful. We had lunch and then onto an Art class. We were to pick out a log or a piece of drift wood that reminded us of a particular animal. We then painted it to look like that animal. Ours was a bird and I think we did a great job on it.
It was now nearing the end of the day and all of the families met to discuss the weekend and what was coming next for our children. It was a really good discussion. The staff asked what our plans were when our children came home. How were we going to give them a new start in life. This program is only six to nine months, so it doesn't even fill a full school year. The staff told us how important it was to help our children make a new start. They told us how changing their surroundings and people they associated with could help tremendously. A few of the parents were confused as I believe they felt maybe their child was going to be "fixed" in this program. A couple of the parents asked what was meant by the questions. Why would they need to change the surroundings.
(I think when my daughter first went to Elan, I probably felt that way as well. What you have to understand is there isn't any fixing. There is learning new habits. You as a parent have as much work as your child has. They may make the right changes while in a program, but if you put them right back into the same situation, you are going to get the same results.)
My daughter looked at me and asked if she should talk. I nodded and said "Yes, please do". She spoke of how she went to another program before this one. She talked about how it was closing and instead of going into another program she came home. She told them how hard she tried to stay clean, but going back to the same school and seeing the same kids just brought everything back. Within a month she had started right back into ditching school to get high. She said how hard it was to stay away from the people she once partied with. Some of the parents asked her more questions and she spoke openly and honestly. When they were done asking questions, everyone clapped. I was so proud of her. She wanted to help another family understand what it was like. She has such a good heart. I hugged her and told her how much I loved her. I told her how wonderful it was she could talk and explain herself so well.
It was time again to say good-bye. This time I cried and just hugged her tight. We talked about her getting to level three by the end of the month. She was excited and so was I. I felt she was finally growing up and was on a path to making better decisions for her future.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
# 14 Ironwood, Family Weekend
I got the new clothes together and brought them up to Ironwood. Everything from ASR was now there and ready for me to bring home. There was stuff there that was not even ours. I have no idea who it belonged to, but I brought it home as Ironwood would not allow me to leave it there.
I again wrote letters. Although she did not write back, within a month I had my first contact with her. With this program, I could Skype with her. It was great to be able to see her every week. She would let me know what she was working on and how she felt things were going. At the end of the second month, she asked me if she could be moved to another school. She said Ironwood was not going to do anything for her. She knew what she had to do as she had been through it before at Elan. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said some of the kids from Elan and her coach from Elan were all at Hyde School and she wanted to go there. I told her I would think about it and let her know the next week when we talked. She was not happy with me.
I spoke to my daughter's counselor and the administration of the program. I spoke to one of my daughter's former counselors and my Mom. Ironwood said my daughter was at the second level of the program and if I took her out even for a day, she would not be able to come back. They told me she needed to make it to the third level in order to leave campus . Being at the third level of this program allowed more privileges. I spoke to the administration at Hyde and they told me she had to go through an interview process, before she could be accepted.
At our next Skype meeting, I told her if she could make it to the third level by the end of the next month, I would make an appointment with Hyde. I explained to her about how she could not leave campus while she was at level 2. She said she would work hard to get to level 3. We then talked about how there was a family weekend coming up the next weekend. We were headed up Saturday and Sunday. She told me about the different activities going on and we both got excited for the weekend to come.
The family weekend finally came. We had not seen our daughter since June 1st and it was now Sept 3rd. We got there at 8:00 am and had a meeting with the administration to go over what was going to be happening over the next couple of days. Once that meeting was done we could go find our children. She looked so good. It was just incredible to see her again. Her father, sister and I all took turns hugging her. She showed us around campus and then we found a spot by the water to just sit and talk.
About 11:00, we went to an activity and then we had our first family counseling session. Again, one of the first things she had to do when she got to this program was to write a guilt letter. This time she had only been home two months before heading off to another program, so I did not feel there was much that could have happened. I was wrong. I did not realize how much could be done in sixty days. She had told us how she partied, smoked pot and how she only passed out five or six times. We talked about the letter when she was done. I told her how unhappy I was about her drinking to the point of pass out stage. She thought she had done really well. She only passed out five or six times. It was way less than before she was sent to Elan. She was proud of herself. She couldn't understand why I was not happy about it. Needless to say, we did not end up working this out at this meeting. We talked about her progress since she had come to Ironwood and then we went off to have lunch.
After lunch, we had a couple more activities and then a recap meeting with all of the families together. The staff asked how everyone thought the day went and then they told us what to expect for the next day. It was time to say good-bye. I was not feeling good about the day. I felt maybe it might be a good idea if I do not come tomorrow. I did not want there to be a whole lot of tension between all of us. My daughter evidently picked up on that or maybe she is more like me than I thought. We were saying our good-byes and she looked right at me and said she did not want me to come back tomorrow. I did not say anything. She said if her Dad and sister wanted to come back they could, but she did not want me there. Her Dad piped up and said, '"Your mother will be here tomorrow". She stood there for a moment and then we all got in the car and brought her back to her cabin.
Again, we said our good-byes. She looked at me and asked if we could talk. I said sure, so we went for a walk. She asked me why I could not be happy about the drinking. She said this place was not going to change anything. She was going to drink and smoke and I would just have to get used to it. It was her life. I told her, I saw these footprints in the ground made by her father. I told her I saw her stepping into each one of them and I did not want that for her. We both started to cry I told her, I felt it was our fault. We gave her these genes and she had to live with them. I told her I saw this pattern that went from her great grandmother, down to her grandfather, down to her father and now to her. I told her how sorry I was to do that to her. I told her I only wanted her to have a better life than they did. I did not want that kind of life for her. She said she did not realize that was why I had done what I had done with the programs. We cried and hugged for a while. She said she understood and we promised each other we would try harder and to always talk to each other. I told her she could trust me with anything. I told her I would always be there for her no matter what.
I again wrote letters. Although she did not write back, within a month I had my first contact with her. With this program, I could Skype with her. It was great to be able to see her every week. She would let me know what she was working on and how she felt things were going. At the end of the second month, she asked me if she could be moved to another school. She said Ironwood was not going to do anything for her. She knew what she had to do as she had been through it before at Elan. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said some of the kids from Elan and her coach from Elan were all at Hyde School and she wanted to go there. I told her I would think about it and let her know the next week when we talked. She was not happy with me.
I spoke to my daughter's counselor and the administration of the program. I spoke to one of my daughter's former counselors and my Mom. Ironwood said my daughter was at the second level of the program and if I took her out even for a day, she would not be able to come back. They told me she needed to make it to the third level in order to leave campus . Being at the third level of this program allowed more privileges. I spoke to the administration at Hyde and they told me she had to go through an interview process, before she could be accepted.
At our next Skype meeting, I told her if she could make it to the third level by the end of the next month, I would make an appointment with Hyde. I explained to her about how she could not leave campus while she was at level 2. She said she would work hard to get to level 3. We then talked about how there was a family weekend coming up the next weekend. We were headed up Saturday and Sunday. She told me about the different activities going on and we both got excited for the weekend to come.
The family weekend finally came. We had not seen our daughter since June 1st and it was now Sept 3rd. We got there at 8:00 am and had a meeting with the administration to go over what was going to be happening over the next couple of days. Once that meeting was done we could go find our children. She looked so good. It was just incredible to see her again. Her father, sister and I all took turns hugging her. She showed us around campus and then we found a spot by the water to just sit and talk.
About 11:00, we went to an activity and then we had our first family counseling session. Again, one of the first things she had to do when she got to this program was to write a guilt letter. This time she had only been home two months before heading off to another program, so I did not feel there was much that could have happened. I was wrong. I did not realize how much could be done in sixty days. She had told us how she partied, smoked pot and how she only passed out five or six times. We talked about the letter when she was done. I told her how unhappy I was about her drinking to the point of pass out stage. She thought she had done really well. She only passed out five or six times. It was way less than before she was sent to Elan. She was proud of herself. She couldn't understand why I was not happy about it. Needless to say, we did not end up working this out at this meeting. We talked about her progress since she had come to Ironwood and then we went off to have lunch.
After lunch, we had a couple more activities and then a recap meeting with all of the families together. The staff asked how everyone thought the day went and then they told us what to expect for the next day. It was time to say good-bye. I was not feeling good about the day. I felt maybe it might be a good idea if I do not come tomorrow. I did not want there to be a whole lot of tension between all of us. My daughter evidently picked up on that or maybe she is more like me than I thought. We were saying our good-byes and she looked right at me and said she did not want me to come back tomorrow. I did not say anything. She said if her Dad and sister wanted to come back they could, but she did not want me there. Her Dad piped up and said, '"Your mother will be here tomorrow". She stood there for a moment and then we all got in the car and brought her back to her cabin.
Again, we said our good-byes. She looked at me and asked if we could talk. I said sure, so we went for a walk. She asked me why I could not be happy about the drinking. She said this place was not going to change anything. She was going to drink and smoke and I would just have to get used to it. It was her life. I told her, I saw these footprints in the ground made by her father. I told her I saw her stepping into each one of them and I did not want that for her. We both started to cry I told her, I felt it was our fault. We gave her these genes and she had to live with them. I told her I saw this pattern that went from her great grandmother, down to her grandfather, down to her father and now to her. I told her how sorry I was to do that to her. I told her I only wanted her to have a better life than they did. I did not want that kind of life for her. She said she did not realize that was why I had done what I had done with the programs. We cried and hugged for a while. She said she understood and we promised each other we would try harder and to always talk to each other. I told her she could trust me with anything. I told her I would always be there for her no matter what.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
# 13 Turn of Events
Shortly after our weekend visit I got news Elan was closing and I had two weeks to find other arrangements. I was fortunate as I had been thinking about the depleting student population and had already started making arrangements to move my daughter into another program. There was one obstacle and that was her father. He had been furious with me about putting our daughter into a program. He decided it was her decision as to whether she went into another program or came home. When he and I went to pick her up on her last day at Elan he told me I was the worst excuse for a parent and she wasn't going to go to another program. He said he would make sure of it. We still went to see the new school and she liked it, but she said no.
She came home and lived with me and her sister. I really believe she tried to stay away from her old life, but it didn't last long. Her counselor had told us the day we picked her up that she would be out of control within a month. She was wrong, it took two months. The last straw was Memorial Day weekend. She was going to stay at a friends house and I found out she never intended on being with that friend. She partied instead. Her father grounded her and took her phone away. When he wasn't looking she ran off. We got the police involved and within 24 hours she showed up at my house. Her father decided she needed another program.
We left on Memorial Day within two hours of her being home. We were both afraid she would run and we would never see her again, so we spent the night at my sister's house. We took turns staying up to make sure our daughter wouldn't try to run. As it turns out the new school was not prepared to take our daughter on Tuesday. We had to wait one more day. It had to be excruciating for her to have to wait one more day. I know she felt like a caged animal and she told me in no uncertain terms that she wasn't going to change. She had told me she hadn't changed while being at Elan and she wouldn't change while being at ASR. She was going to drink, smoke pot and do whatever she wanted, no matter what I did or said.
My sister and I ended up bringing her to ASR on Wednesday morning. I filled out paperwork and my daughter went through her intake and tour of the school. It was time to say goodbye and at least this time she wasn't swinging. She gave her Aunt a hug and turned to me and said "Bye". She turned and walked away. I was relieved, once again, as I knew she was in a safe place. This program was going to take over where Elan left off. She would probably graduate the program within a year. I was very optimistic she would accept the program and work as hard as she did while she was at Elan.
The first two weeks of the program you get acclimated to your surroundings and the program itself. We talked to her counselor and she seemed to be doing what she was supposed to be doing. The two weeks were finally up and she was integrated into the rest of the program. I was hoping to talk to her at that point, but knew she wasn't ready to talk to me. I had written a couple of letters and was just taking it day by day. She did write to her sister and that made me feel good. I am glad she realized her sister had nothing to do with any of this. She is only angry with her Dad and I, so I thought.
A couple of weeks later I received a call from her counselor saying she had caused some trouble and the director had requested a critical case committee and we needed to be on a conference call that afternoon. The call was at 2:00 pm and it was not good. She had caused some trouble that morning and the staff redirected her. She did not like being redirected, so she took it out on a bathroom. They said if anything else happened in the next 24 hours we were going to have to move her into another program. As I said earlier this program is the next step or phase in her treatment. The kids in this program want to continue to work on themselves. It seems she is angrier than I thought. Things did end up settling down. Another week went by and she was doing what she was supposed to do. She just had to get the anger , for being sent away, out of her system.
I did finally receive a call from her and her counselor. She wanted to discuss something with me. She started out saying she wanted to go to another school. She felt ASR was going to make her worse than when she got there and wanted to go to a boarding school. She didn't want to come home, but a school like Hyde would be OK. I told her I couldn't make a decision like that over the phone. It was something I would have to think about and talk to her father about. That evidently did not sit well with her as she wouldn't continue the conversation. Her counselor said he wanted to talk to her and then he would call me back. He did call back and said we should find another program for her. He said she is still very angry and does not want to give this program chance. She needed a program that had more structure. I was again on the hunt. This all came about on Thursday night of the July 4th weekend. He said if we could move her over the weekend that would be great. I was in frantic mode to find another place and a way to get her there. I knew this time, I could not bring her myself as she would definitely run. I had to get a transportation service to bring her. Her former counselor from Elan suggested Ironwood in Maine. I made all the arrangements and she was picked up on Tuesday, July 5th.
She had no idea she was leaving and heading to another program. The transportation team arrived at 7:00 am to pick her up. She was not happy, but she did not give anyone any trouble. The people that picked her up said she was talkative and very respectful. She arrived at Ironwood at 1:00 or thereabouts. This program was a lot like Elan in that she started at the bottom and had to work her way up to having any privileges. They said she was only sent with two changes of clothes and could I please get some to them soon. They also said the clothes she did have were not acceptable for their program. They had a specific list of clothes and none of the clothes she had were on the list of acceptable clothing. The clothing for ASR was tan pants or capris', with collared shirts. Ironwood were jeans that went above the hip, t-shirts and sweatshirts. Shirts and sweatshirts were to be white or grey and loose fitting. So off to the store I went.
This all may have been very difficult, but I want to let everyone know; it would not have been possible without my Mom. I am so grateful every day for my Mom. She made it possible for my daughter to go to these programs and even went shopping with me to get the new clothes. She is an amazing woman and I am so lucky she believed in what I was doing.
She came home and lived with me and her sister. I really believe she tried to stay away from her old life, but it didn't last long. Her counselor had told us the day we picked her up that she would be out of control within a month. She was wrong, it took two months. The last straw was Memorial Day weekend. She was going to stay at a friends house and I found out she never intended on being with that friend. She partied instead. Her father grounded her and took her phone away. When he wasn't looking she ran off. We got the police involved and within 24 hours she showed up at my house. Her father decided she needed another program.
We left on Memorial Day within two hours of her being home. We were both afraid she would run and we would never see her again, so we spent the night at my sister's house. We took turns staying up to make sure our daughter wouldn't try to run. As it turns out the new school was not prepared to take our daughter on Tuesday. We had to wait one more day. It had to be excruciating for her to have to wait one more day. I know she felt like a caged animal and she told me in no uncertain terms that she wasn't going to change. She had told me she hadn't changed while being at Elan and she wouldn't change while being at ASR. She was going to drink, smoke pot and do whatever she wanted, no matter what I did or said.
My sister and I ended up bringing her to ASR on Wednesday morning. I filled out paperwork and my daughter went through her intake and tour of the school. It was time to say goodbye and at least this time she wasn't swinging. She gave her Aunt a hug and turned to me and said "Bye". She turned and walked away. I was relieved, once again, as I knew she was in a safe place. This program was going to take over where Elan left off. She would probably graduate the program within a year. I was very optimistic she would accept the program and work as hard as she did while she was at Elan.
The first two weeks of the program you get acclimated to your surroundings and the program itself. We talked to her counselor and she seemed to be doing what she was supposed to be doing. The two weeks were finally up and she was integrated into the rest of the program. I was hoping to talk to her at that point, but knew she wasn't ready to talk to me. I had written a couple of letters and was just taking it day by day. She did write to her sister and that made me feel good. I am glad she realized her sister had nothing to do with any of this. She is only angry with her Dad and I, so I thought.
A couple of weeks later I received a call from her counselor saying she had caused some trouble and the director had requested a critical case committee and we needed to be on a conference call that afternoon. The call was at 2:00 pm and it was not good. She had caused some trouble that morning and the staff redirected her. She did not like being redirected, so she took it out on a bathroom. They said if anything else happened in the next 24 hours we were going to have to move her into another program. As I said earlier this program is the next step or phase in her treatment. The kids in this program want to continue to work on themselves. It seems she is angrier than I thought. Things did end up settling down. Another week went by and she was doing what she was supposed to do. She just had to get the anger , for being sent away, out of her system.
I did finally receive a call from her and her counselor. She wanted to discuss something with me. She started out saying she wanted to go to another school. She felt ASR was going to make her worse than when she got there and wanted to go to a boarding school. She didn't want to come home, but a school like Hyde would be OK. I told her I couldn't make a decision like that over the phone. It was something I would have to think about and talk to her father about. That evidently did not sit well with her as she wouldn't continue the conversation. Her counselor said he wanted to talk to her and then he would call me back. He did call back and said we should find another program for her. He said she is still very angry and does not want to give this program chance. She needed a program that had more structure. I was again on the hunt. This all came about on Thursday night of the July 4th weekend. He said if we could move her over the weekend that would be great. I was in frantic mode to find another place and a way to get her there. I knew this time, I could not bring her myself as she would definitely run. I had to get a transportation service to bring her. Her former counselor from Elan suggested Ironwood in Maine. I made all the arrangements and she was picked up on Tuesday, July 5th.
She had no idea she was leaving and heading to another program. The transportation team arrived at 7:00 am to pick her up. She was not happy, but she did not give anyone any trouble. The people that picked her up said she was talkative and very respectful. She arrived at Ironwood at 1:00 or thereabouts. This program was a lot like Elan in that she started at the bottom and had to work her way up to having any privileges. They said she was only sent with two changes of clothes and could I please get some to them soon. They also said the clothes she did have were not acceptable for their program. They had a specific list of clothes and none of the clothes she had were on the list of acceptable clothing. The clothing for ASR was tan pants or capris', with collared shirts. Ironwood were jeans that went above the hip, t-shirts and sweatshirts. Shirts and sweatshirts were to be white or grey and loose fitting. So off to the store I went.
This all may have been very difficult, but I want to let everyone know; it would not have been possible without my Mom. I am so grateful every day for my Mom. She made it possible for my daughter to go to these programs and even went shopping with me to get the new clothes. She is an amazing woman and I am so lucky she believed in what I was doing.
# 12 I was stalked
I stopped writing as things became complicated and I did not know how to continue. So many things happened in a short amount of time and it was tough to keep it all straight. I have struggled with whether to continue or not as I do not want to say anything that would hurt my daughter. I just feel, I started this and I should finish it. My only intention to this story is to try and help other parents who have had to make or are trying to make this kind of decision for their child. I still feel, I was in a life or death situation and if I did not do something quick, I was going to lose my daughter forever.
At the end of 2010, I was asked by the administrator of Elan if I would be willing to talk to perspective parents. People who were considering Elan as an alternative for their child. I said sure. I was happy with my daughter's progress and would like to let other parents know things were going well.
By January 2011, I had not had any calls from perspective parents so I contacted the administrator and let her know that I had written this blog. I told her I was not sure it was appropriate, but if she wanted to pass the link on to other parents to read she could. She read the blog and asked if she could put a link on their website. I said sure. I will do anything I can to help another family.
It only took one week before I received my first email from a guy who called himself Jeff Wimbelton. He said I needed to get my child out of Elan as soon as I could. He said they were brainwashing my child's mind. He and I exchanged several lengthy emails over the next two weeks. He would tell me about how the kids were made to do certain things and I would come back with my insight on how I saw things. He finally got to me and had me so scared I called my brother in NH. I told him what was happening and asked if I could come talk to him. I was in tears. I sent my brother all the correspondence and my younger daughter and I hopped in the car and went to NH. I had asked my brother if one of his kids could keep my daughter busy while we talked. I did not want to scare her and have her worrying about me.
We reached NH. My daughter went to hang out with my niece and nephew and I sat at the kitchen table with my brother and sister. His first question was "How do you think your daughter is doing". I said I felt she was doing great. He said I would know if she had been brainwashed and asked if I thought she had. I said no and I really felt she was doing well. She wrote great letters asking my advice and telling me what was going on there. I felt we had a great relationship. She told me how she was struggling with things and I would send her letters trying to show her a different way to look at the different situations. She would write back and tell me how much she felt I was helping her and I would tell her how wonderful I felt she was doing. My brother said he did not feel she was being brainwashed and this Jeff guy had no idea what he was talking about. I was so relieved.
When I got home the next day, I decided to contact my daughters' counselor and ask to meet her off campus. I told her I needed to talk to her mother to mother. I really liked my daughters' counselor and I felt she had been honest with me. I still had things stuck in my mind that Jeff had told me in his emails and I needed to hear if those things were still happening. I told Jeff I was going to meet her and he thought I was crazy and I believe that is the last email we shared.
I met with my daughter's counselor and I told her about the emails. I told her I was worried about the fact that there were only five girls left in the program and soon my daughter could be the only girl amongst 30 boys. She assured me things were good and they had a few more girls starting within the next month. She couldn't believe someone had gone to all that trouble to chase after me, when I was clearly ok with how my daughter was doing. We said our good-byes and I headed home.
At the end of 2010, I was asked by the administrator of Elan if I would be willing to talk to perspective parents. People who were considering Elan as an alternative for their child. I said sure. I was happy with my daughter's progress and would like to let other parents know things were going well.
By January 2011, I had not had any calls from perspective parents so I contacted the administrator and let her know that I had written this blog. I told her I was not sure it was appropriate, but if she wanted to pass the link on to other parents to read she could. She read the blog and asked if she could put a link on their website. I said sure. I will do anything I can to help another family.
It only took one week before I received my first email from a guy who called himself Jeff Wimbelton. He said I needed to get my child out of Elan as soon as I could. He said they were brainwashing my child's mind. He and I exchanged several lengthy emails over the next two weeks. He would tell me about how the kids were made to do certain things and I would come back with my insight on how I saw things. He finally got to me and had me so scared I called my brother in NH. I told him what was happening and asked if I could come talk to him. I was in tears. I sent my brother all the correspondence and my younger daughter and I hopped in the car and went to NH. I had asked my brother if one of his kids could keep my daughter busy while we talked. I did not want to scare her and have her worrying about me.
We reached NH. My daughter went to hang out with my niece and nephew and I sat at the kitchen table with my brother and sister. His first question was "How do you think your daughter is doing". I said I felt she was doing great. He said I would know if she had been brainwashed and asked if I thought she had. I said no and I really felt she was doing well. She wrote great letters asking my advice and telling me what was going on there. I felt we had a great relationship. She told me how she was struggling with things and I would send her letters trying to show her a different way to look at the different situations. She would write back and tell me how much she felt I was helping her and I would tell her how wonderful I felt she was doing. My brother said he did not feel she was being brainwashed and this Jeff guy had no idea what he was talking about. I was so relieved.
When I got home the next day, I decided to contact my daughters' counselor and ask to meet her off campus. I told her I needed to talk to her mother to mother. I really liked my daughters' counselor and I felt she had been honest with me. I still had things stuck in my mind that Jeff had told me in his emails and I needed to hear if those things were still happening. I told Jeff I was going to meet her and he thought I was crazy and I believe that is the last email we shared.
I met with my daughter's counselor and I told her about the emails. I told her I was worried about the fact that there were only five girls left in the program and soon my daughter could be the only girl amongst 30 boys. She assured me things were good and they had a few more girls starting within the next month. She couldn't believe someone had gone to all that trouble to chase after me, when I was clearly ok with how my daughter was doing. We said our good-byes and I headed home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)